1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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