How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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