her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
