my mouth tastes like poor choices
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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