if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize