I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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