no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
