8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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