At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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