Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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