so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
