I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
