the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
