I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
