God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize