My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
