Did you just see the Batmobile???
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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