Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
