I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
