There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
