I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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