Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
