Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
