She is in my trunk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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