Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
