OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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