exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
