Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
