yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
