i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize