Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
