My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
