My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
