So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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