Plan B is the new Plan A
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
