census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He kissed a someone with a penis
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
