mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
