He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
