well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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