Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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