She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
