This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
