i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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