ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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