Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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