You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
