i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
