I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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