If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
