So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Even my vagina gasped.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
