You smell like a Billy Joel song
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They are going to name an STD after you.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
