I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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