I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
