I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
