A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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