So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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