i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
