I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
