i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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