Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
