I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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