Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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