yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
