you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
