More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
