dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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