Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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