two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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