The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
